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Different sexual desires in a relationship

Anyone who has had the experience of being in a long-term relationship should have experienced the “problem” in some way. When two people get together, find each other attractive, and are interested in each other, they are more likely to have sex and a relationship can result. At the beginning of relationships, most couples have a lot of sex. But if you are in a relationship with a partner over a longer period of time, an average frequency of how often you make love with each other gradually sets in. It is interesting that it can be a great match and both are more than satisfied. But that is often not the case, because the sexual need is simply too different for various reasons. How to deal with it, we want to explain here.

Partnership problem no. 1

The results of a study from Canada found that the most common problem for couples in long-term relationships is the different needs for sex between the two partners. Many of you will now certainly think that you already knew this – especially the men among you. And you’re not entirely wrong. In many relationships, the man has far more desire for sex than his partner. There are various reasons for this (which are discussed below). It also means that men can do it anytime, anywhere. However, that is not so easy to say.

gender and sexual need

In two books, a sex researcher and a couples therapist explain that many women are unhappy in their relationships because their husbands are no longer interested in having sex. The couples and sex therapist Michele Weiner Davies even says that this problem is becoming more common.* And so, according to the statements of couples therapists, you can say that about 30-50 percent of the women want more sex and in 50-70 percent of the man. So the relationship is more balanced than you think. At least more balanced than I thought before my research.

What affects libido?

But how can it be explained that men and women have different levels of sexual desire and that this also varies so greatly within the gender? First of all, it can be said at the outset that something like sexual desire or sexual pleasure is a very complex thing that is affected by many factors. So one can also say that it is highly individual because the factors depend heavily on oneself and one’s own environment. For the time being, however, only a rough distinction should be made here between internal and external factors.

Internal influences on sexual desire

As for the internal factors, biology is very important. First and foremost, it must be a healthy person so that he has a normal to strong sexual interest. In addition, hormones play an important role for both sexes. Testosterone is the most important sex hormone in men, but testosterone also has an important component for sexuality in women. In men, testosterone is mainly produced in the testicles and also in the adrenal glands, in women in the ovaries and adrenal glands. Much more is formed in the male body, but the female body reacts much more strongly to testosterone. The release of this hormone has a huge impact on libido.

age and sexual desire

Another important internal factor is man’s age. After puberty and in their younger years, men have the most pronounced sex drive in their lives. At around 40-45 years of age, this slowly decreases as testosterone production also decreases. Women, on the other hand, develop sexual desire a little later and reach their peak around the early 30s. During the menopause or after the birth of a child, sexual desire usually decreases again. As people get older, both sexes can experience increased sexual reluctance.

External factors on sexual desire

On the other hand, external factors can have an equally strong effect on sexual desire. One of the most common factors in our time is stress. It doesn’t matter whether it’s the stress at work because you have a deadline coming up or the stress or arguments in your own relationship. It has a negative effect on sexual desire. This is especially true for women, because for them sex works even more over the head and with a head full of problems you set your own priorities differently. That’s logic! It is important to understand that alone inner or external factors can have a decisive influence. So you can be perfectly healthy and in your prime. When you’re feeling overwhelmed by stress, you’re likely to feel less sexual desire.

Dealing within the partnership?

So now two people are colliding, where both the internal and the external factors can be very different. But what then? How to deal with that as a couple? Do you just have a lot more or a lot less sex than one of the partners would like? Who needs to align their needs more closely with those of their partner? According to renowned sex researcher and couples therapist David Schnarch, things are clear. According to Schnarch, the part in the relationship with less sexual desire is in charge of how often you have sex. He possesses the sexual power and decides when sex happens when he feels like it. After all, the other partner wants more often and is therefore just waiting for sexual intercourse to take place.**

Relationship problems with different needs

For one partner, this can be satisfactory in the long term. The other, on the other hand, might be less than pleased, as two problems are likely to arise. First, he is not sexually engaged because his sexual desire is not being satisfied. Second, it is reasonable to assume that he is often rejected because he tries (at least for a while) to initiate sexual contact. However, he is regularly rejected because the other partner is not interested. In the long term, these rejections are perceived as personal injuries because one feels unaccepted and less loved. In the long run, this can also endanger the relationship.

Masturbation as a solution

So what can be done to prevent this from happening? The simplest solution to this, of course, is masturbation. It doesn’t matter whether male or female – both sexes can bring themselves nice orgasms through masturbation and thus feel sexual relief. As many men would say, “the pressure is off”. You can make masturbation more “realistic” by using lubricant or various sex toys so that it feels like real intercourse. Masturbator gates are particularly suitable for men, while dildos or lay-on vibrators are very suitable for women. Of course, this is only satisfactory for the time being. Because sex with a partner is difficult to replace in the long term.

Where are you on the sex scale?

There are two approaches to having sex with a partner, which start at different levels. Sex therapist Seth Meyers suggests rating yourself on a sex scale from 1 to 10 before you even begin a relationship. It should be about how important sexuality is to you, how sexual you see yourself and what significance sexuality has for you. In the getting-to-know-you phase, one should, in his opinion, address such a scale and ask the potential partner for his number on the sex scale (after having explained what a sex scale is, of course). If your points match well or you even chose the same number, it should definitely harmonize sexually.

Sex meetings and sex appointments in relationship as a solution!

On the other hand, if you are already in a relationship with a partner in which you have very different sexual needs, using a sex scale makes little sense. The most common means of sex therapists, then, is to arrange some sort of regular sex encounter, which is noted on the calendar. You make a frequency of how often you have sex and enter these dates in your calendar. This has significant advantages. The person with the higher sexual interest will look forward to the day very much. Also, he doesn’t always have to initiate sex and then be rejected, which would be very frustrating in the long run. The partner with less need no longer has to actively reject it as often, which also relieves him. The topic is no longer a constant negative companion of the relationship. The conflict can to be dissolved like this.

Have regular sex again

If you’re hearing about this idea for the first time, you might be one of those people who think it’s a little weird. Don’t you always have sex when you feel like it and not when the calendar dictates? Yes, usually. But in partnerships with different sexual needs, the temporal overlaps are rarer after the desire for sex. Otherwise you wouldn’t have the problem at all. If you don’t feel like it when the sex date is due, wait and see. Your body and mind are usually already set up for having sex. Don’t underestimate that! But you shouldn’t feel pressured by the calendar or your partner either, because that’s not very conducive to your sex life.

take sex seriously

You should arrange the respective sex appointments in such a way that you both definitely have time. Excuses like meeting friends or work shouldn’t count. Both must have time and the sex dates should be a priority and taken seriously. If you just have them on the calendar and don’t put them into action, they will have little effect! Also, you should give yourself enough time. Don’t make 10 minute appointments. It can be one or two hours. Get busy with yourself. Include massages with massage oil or other toys that bring you closer physically and show you the affection of the other. If you both feel like having sex then you can get started. 😉 If someone feels pressured, you wait for the upcoming appointment.

let the partnership flourish

Couples who have tried these sex dates over a longer period of time report that they have sex more regularly and that both partners are more satisfied with the sexual situation in the relationship. So it’s definitely worth trying this experiment. Because a relationship in which at least one of the partners is sexually frustrated is on a shaky foundation. Infidelities and affairs or the end of the partnership are unfortunately not uncommon. But that doesn’t have to be the case if you know how to deal with a different sexual need within the partnership! The love life between you can be rekindled!

Post video summary by Ben

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